Grand Theft Pedestrian

Transportation in New York is like picking out chips at the grocery store. Do I want the lightly salted with vinegar or the sour cream and onion or maybe the new extreme barbecue that's guaranteed to wake you up by setting fire to each taste bud and giving you breath to kill co-workers with?

You could take a cab. You could take a pedicab. There are buses, trains, subways, els, rickshaws and the old fashioned passenger cars that fit right into conspicuous consumption by burning $3.25 a gallon and taking up space. And yes, I did cheat by separating subways and els, but my point is still valid. There are lots of ways to get places.

While buying chips, I still like the old-fashioned slice of potato drenched in hot oil until crispy.
In short, I walk.

I take the subway on longer distances or during scorching heat, but I get out a stop or two early and walk the rest of the way. I find that walking on Manhattan sidewalks not only is good exercise for the body but also for the senses and the mind. If you can cut through, loop around or in extreme cases, jump over all the obstacles on your path, you are fully worthy of the Jedi name you made for yourself in middle school.

Just as a game, I try to make it as far as I can without coming into contact with anyone or anything. I stand skinny at crowded crosswalks, leap over garbage bags and weave through the annoying groups practicing social diffusion (when three or four people are walking in a row very slowly so they can have a conversation and block the whole damn sidewalk). If I luff up against the side of a cab, some scaffolding or a stranger's ass, I have to start again.

This practice gave me a good idea for a video game that would tie into two important developments in entertainment: the debate over video violence affecting children and the new game platforms that read a player's movements.

We need a video game that simulates commuting in New York. It would put everything from rushing cars to pregnant women in your way and you would have to negotiate yourself around them all. You lose points for contact, lose more points for painful or obscene contact and lose a life if you, say, get hit by a cab or fall in front of the subway.

Think of how this device would increase the physical condition, reflex response and spatial acuity of the player. Instead of leading cops on car chases or hacking away at fictional beasts, America's children would be on treadmills in front of motion sensors dodging real-life problems like junkies and account executives. Since everyone in New York now listens to MP3 players while traveling, the game can include an awesome soundtrack as well. It's perfect for the new generation of video game controls. As an added bonus, players will learn the geography of the city so they will be prepared when they decide to move out of Mommy's house and chase their dreams, sans automobile collision.

As for violence, the game can avoid any of the shadier pitfalls. There will be no "You got mugged at the ATM; begin again at Fulton Street." Just good, clean fun on the streets of a major city. Imagine the possibilities.

I'll give you a topic for comments to this post. Discuss:
I have listed ten neighborhoods at random below. The person who lists them in the best order of difficulty, from greatest to least, for the video game I just described gets a nice prize.

a. Park Slope
b. Fort Greene
c. Financial District
d. Harlem
e. Midtown East
f. The Hub
g. JFK Airport
h. Hunts Point
i. West Side
j. Staten Island

Hint: Anyone who picks "J" as hardest will not win.